Seven Months

Seven months ago today our beautiful little Peanut was born into this world. It was a Sunday, and our family was at church worshiping, learning, and having fellowship with our church family. Totally clueless that we would soon get the call we had been waiting for since we started the adoption process 16 months prior.

Seven months ago today Peanut's birth mama and daddy made the ultimate unselfish sacrifice by signing papers to place her for adoption. They did not "give her up". They made a choice that they knew was best for Peanut. It was a decision that they did not make easily or flippantly. It hurt them to do, but they knew it was right for them and for Peanut. So when you ask me "Why did her birth mother give her up?" I will answer you with "Well, she placed her for adoption because...". And actually, sometimes I may not give you a direct answer for two reasons:

(1) Peanut's birth family's circumstances are no one else's business. If you are very close to our family and we feel we can trust you with information and that you would not use it to draw negative conclusions, or if you are a part of the adoption community and understand how sacred that information is, then it is likely we have already shared it with you. 

(2) The answer to me is kind of a "duh". Why would you place a child for adoption? I guarantee it would not be because you did not want your baby or because you did not love your baby. It would most likely be because you knew your baby needed something better than you could give at that moment in your life. And please do not ever say to me "I could never do that." You know why? Because you and I don't know what we could do until we are faced with having to make that decision. And most of us never have had and never will have to make that decision.

I may not answer you when you ask me if Peanut's birth parents are here legally or if they have other children or any other number of questions. I know you mean well, and you please have to know that I also mean well if and when I am evasive. It is for Peanut's benefit for me to sometimes keep information private. I also am very protective of her birth parents and I care very much about whether negative attitudes, prejudices, etc. are made about them. Some people, without meaning ill will, could let those attitudes be known around Peanut as she grows up. And I just won't have it. I have made the mistake of giving out that information on occasion when I thought it was okay, and I immediately regretted it.

Please do not ask my children these questions. While we are working with them on what they can and cannot share and how to respectfully answer a person who asks, it just is an unfair position to put a kid in. If you want information, come to me!

Please do not take that to mean that you cannot ask me questions about our adoption! On most things I am an open book, and I can usually tell when someone is genuinely interested versus when someone is just prying. I want to encourage others in their understanding of domestic adoption and I think knowing the truth takes a lot of fear and misconceptions out of it, perhaps allowing more to also pursue adoption. So please don't hesitate to ask me questions and don't worry about offending me...it rarely happens, and I am a big girl and can handle the rest! I just want you to know why I may not always be direct with answers to some of those questions.

And just for the record, I am one of those people who will ask questions without always thinking through whether they are appropriate for the given situation or the relationship I have with the person I am asking. So please know this is as much about my own growth as it is anyone else's!